I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
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