My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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