If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
