So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
