I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
