I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Randomize
