I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
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