i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
