i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
