is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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