Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
