I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
