Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
