where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
