Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
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Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
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He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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