Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
