when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Randomize
