Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
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