You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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