i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
