she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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