I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Randomize
