i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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