If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
