Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
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