I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Randomize
