Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
sarcasm needs its own font
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Come on in and take your pants off
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