i just wanna soil my oats bro
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
