the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
