we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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