So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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