My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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