Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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