I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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