who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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