yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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