Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Randomize
