why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
