Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Randomize
