she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
