Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
