Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
The air was thick with penises
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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