I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
