Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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