I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
