she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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