Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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