Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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