I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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