my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Randomize
