Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Randomize
