Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
