Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I have aggressive nipples.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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