remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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