I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
