so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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