She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
