I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Enjoy the penises
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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