i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
