Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
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