and next time when you feel me up, do it right
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
