Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
they're like a gay fantastic four
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
