I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
